Today is a new day...

So the first time I posted I was starting to feel overwhelmed by life and all its fun little curve balls... The second time I posted it was like I had recently been hit by a high speed train and my world was falling apart (also known as the height of Allie's sickness while simultaneously dealing with a 6 page long to-do list). Well today is a much much better day. Allie is on the road to recovery... She can sleep again and I'm not getting called at work about her coughs or hearing her stories about her almost-throw up that crushed me. School is at its height... There are 2 weeks left in the quad (which is the length of the typical class in the accelerated program, half of a semester) and I still have my to-do list but I'm actually making progress. So that being said, I did have to make some changes... I have shown a tendency to push people away when times get tough. I know that's why I pushed Ian away, the whole beginning half of 2014 was really tough on me and it almost felt like he was a burden that I kept ignoring and felt guilty about... But now I have Rich... And saying he makes me happy is an understatement. So I sat here and re-evaluated my life and realized what is important to me... My job- I love teaching but home study and tutoring are not my passion, so I'm giving up my after school jobs (bye bye bigger pay checks)... My masters- I want my degree dammit! I'm not a quitter and when the going gets tough, I get tougher... My munchkin- because she deserves to have me at home more... And my guy- because I don't have enough in my life that makes me happy to just give up on him like that. Without the burden of 2x a week home study with an additional day of assignment gathering, or 10 hour work days just to go home and lesson plan or grade... I can focus on my 4 things and I know I'll be fine. But now that I'm feeling fine, I can look back and tell you all what my problem was... Guilt. Plain and simple guilt. I'm not a "no regrets" person... I mean I wouldn't change anything but man do the what ifs really weigh me down. And then there are days like last week where people verbally confirmed my many failures and I kind of just downward spiraled. Not to mention I took on way too many things and not being able to do my usual above and beyond for each one made me feel like a failure. Failing led to guilt.... Guilt led to crazy town. So as they say, today is a new day... I felt good. I could breathe without the elephant on my chest. Sure my paycheck will be a tiny bit smaller but I still make enough to survive so we'll live :)

Done...

I'm so done with life sometimes. Feels like it sees that I'm down then runs up and kicks me a few million times. School/work is just as stressful for the same reasons I posted last time except my sick kid went from regular sick to possessed sick. She gets sent home for coughing. She actually coughs so much her face will turn pale/blue. And the doctors have no idea what to tell me. Can't just lock her indoors because she gets it inside (it's way worse outdoors but it's still bad inside). I give her an allergy medication and it does nothing. They prescribe her an inhaler which is "a little much" according to everyone and it does absolutely nothing. They're saying she's possibly asthmatic but the inhaler would be helping if that were the case. Cough medications are useless. She sleeps propped on 3 pillows. And every 5 minutes I hear her coughing and choking on her cough so I'm not sleeping because I'm too dang worried about her. What do I do??? Don't answer that because if u hear one more "well have you tried..." I'll literally go ape shit crazy and slap my head through a wall. I've tried everything... And if I missed something, then too bad, add it to the list of why I fail as a mom. I'm typing this up on my phone now because one of the weird things that stops her cough is me massaging her feet (totally wish I was joking but if I'm here doing this she can go the entire time without one cough. I stop and she starts back up again). So my school work is piling up. My work work is not done. I'm way behind on sleep. My anxiety is through the roof. My heart is pounding almost nonstop and leaving me with this sense of dread. And there's nothing I can do but stare at my baby and wonder when it's going to get easier. Did I mention it's all my fault since I'm the one who brought her to bakersfield and started all this. Fuck Yeah. I'm the best. Ranting vent over.

My head is so full it hurts...

ok, so I haven't blogged in years. The issue lately is that while I really want to just pour my heart out, I don't want to waste anyone's time with my nonsense... So if you're reading this, feel free to stop and virtually slap me at any point. My life is very far from horrible right now but I've got a lot going on and it's peetty hard for me to balance. At this moment in time I am a full time teacher, student, mom, and girlfriend. Each one of those things on their own makes me ridiculously happy, but combined, im really overwhelmed. So let me explain each title...

Full time teacher... I'm not just working for 6 periods a day, I show up at 6:50 (45 minutes before school starts), I set up my day, I teach for 6 periods, then I either head to the computer lab to tutor until 4 or i head to meet my home study student and work with her until 5. Anyone who knows me knows I love my job. I'm doing exactly what i feel I was meant to do... I teach a subject I love, I work with kids who drive me crazy in the best possible way, and every once in a while I hear the positive impact I made on someone's life and I've got that validation that this is where I belong. Now if only there was less grading and preparing to do :\. Maybe I should just let them watch movies instead of silly things like learning, lol.

Full time student... I don't know why, but I've always valued education highly. I got my bachelors in chemistry and it was a breeze. I love being asked what I majored in because it's a hard subject and tends to be one of my few impressive qualities. So the second I went into teaching, I started planning my return to the college classroom. This year I made it happen. I'm a full time student. I go to point loma Nazarene university and in 15 months I'll have my masters degree in teaching and learning. I love being the student, but it's also terrifying. I'm being graded again and I'm wracking up the student debt (only one semester in and I'm up to $4k :\). In the next 3 weeks I need to read and annotate 5 journal articles that will become the basis for my thesis next September, write 2 lesson plans and implement them, write a very detailed paper on the school i work at and the strategies I use, and read 4 chapters a week from the textbook. Yes I love school, but holy crap it's a lot!

Full time mom... Should I have put single mom? Yes I'm really lucky that Rob is the dad and not some druggie low life. He pays child support, calls her regularly, and tries to see her every so often but everything else is on me. I pay for her childcare, worry about her homework, buy things for class get togethers, take her to the park, take her to doctors appointments, take off from works when she needs me, read to her every night, and try to model her to become a responsible young lady. The thing is, she is always sick. Right now shes on amoxicillin for an ear/sinus infection. Its hard to be the sole care giver when she's always sick and I don't have time to just cuddle up in bed with her and 9 times out of 10 that's where my "I'm a failure" moments begin. She's an amazing kid, she wins awards and reads for fun, she has a long list of "best friends" and I'm really proud of who she is. But once again, why does it always have to be so much work???

Last one, full time girl friend... This one is probably the hardest for me. This is my first REAL relationship since the divorce. I dated Ian for 2 years and I never felt like I was in a relationship, that's one of the reasons I liked him... I didn't have to call/text him every day. If I went a month without seeing him for whatever reason, well he knew I was busy and I'd be back eventually. So now I have Rich. We talk daily and see eachother at least twice a week. He has this way to make me feel special and appreciated and he doesn't have to say it, I just feel it. And for all I know it's in my head and he secretly hates me but I'd like to pretend that's not the case :P. Some days though I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. If he's so awesome, then why is he with me. I can't keep anyone happy... Just look at my track record... And this is where my anxiety begins. It's hard to believe I'm good enough for anyone and even harder to convince myself I'm anyone's first choice. I'm the one you settle for, not the one you want. And yes I know that is crazy, but real or not, it's how I feel. This is what I mean by damaged. How long til someone better comes along and I'm left behind. I want to go back to the days where I never had this constant fear :\

So there you have it... Lots of good stuff in my life but either I'm making myself crazy, or the combination is overwhelming. I don't want to change anything about my life, I'm happy, I'm doing what I love and surrounded by people who love and support me... Now to find a better way to balance it all and remember that there is a finish line. So yeah, this was just a long vent/rant, hopefully you're not worried about me because I really am ok. Now into the shower I go because I have a day to start :)